Relearning No

When you think is over it beats you up completely. Almost back on the floor again. 
It's like an animal which hides in the shadow and grows with your uncertainties.

A still bleeding wound.

Frozen tears.

One step closer and I'm about to break.

A feeling in the stomach that I didn´t have since months ago. An anxiety that becomes presents by making you to throw up.

Let it go physically.

Today, I spoke about being assertive and I saw myself on a character as fucked-up as me, because of her impossibility to say No. How difficult is to say no for someone who has been taking No as an answered all her live.

The roots are so deep inside you don´t believe when someone says Yes. How is even possible to expect other kind of response. The guilt and blame that you carry within you. Like it's something wrong with you, like you didn´t do something good enough or maybe you just don´t deserve it, which is worse. On the extreme, you can feel disgust about your own self.

After becomes the relearning moment and you start saying No, but there is a part in you saying "it's not ok". You are a despotic castrator. Doesn´t feel nice at the beginning, you judging yourself. Trying to dialogue instead of fighting with it.

To finish is the instant when someone replays back once you say No, something you never did. You don't know how to do it. You don't have the tools, nobody showed to you. It is when the anger takes place. The sensation of been attacked. The preparation to offense is already set up. The perception of somebody's telling you "tyrant bitch". It's hard to believe in yourself saying "fuck it". Thinking "I'm on my right to say what I said and if you don't respect it fine, otherwise, fuck off"... Without spitting all this shit in anyone's face of course, just holding your horses and pulling yourself together... Breathing and taking time to assimilate the process. It's only a thought. This is me and how I take the things. It's not this fella's fault, who doesn´t know is playing with fire.

Just, Shut up when I'm talking to you!